Don’t Kill Bill (Shakespeare) - Vol. 1.
“Mmm! That’s a Tasty Burger!”
Players:
Romeo portraying Tim Roth
Juliet portraying Amanda Plummer
King Henry VIII portraying John Travolta
Samuel L. Jackson as himself
Act 1, Scene 1
We find ourselves in that iconic stone-walled, sunlit diner featured in the beginning and end of Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction.
Romeo and Juliet sit huddled across a plush leather booth from one another. Romeo finishes his last bite of burger. He pushes the plate to the side of the table and leans in:
ROMEO: “Honey Bunny. You mind if I call you Honey Bunny?”
Juliet chuckles.
JULIET: “Oh, I love that. You should hear what my family calls me. And you.”
ROMEO: “Ugh, families. Don’t get me started.”
Romeo looks furtively around at the diners eating. He pulls a small vape pen from his front pocket and takes a drag. Blows it out under the table.
ROMEO: “Once we hit that bank, we ain’t ever gonna need any Montague or Capulet money ever again. Just you and me, Honey Bunny, forever.”
JULIET: “Just gotta get a little spending money first.”
A WAITRESS approaches the table.
ROMEO: “Get her another wheatgrass and celery smoothie and I’ll just scan your QR code for the check.”
The curtain falls.
Act 1, Scene 2
Same iconic restaurant, different part of the dining area.
Samuel L. Jackson sits across from King Henry VIII, who’s eating a kale salad and drinking a mango smoothie.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: “You cut the bitch’s motherfucking head off because you suspected-- suspected?! — she gave a royal knight a foot massage?”
King Henry VIII just groans.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: “What was your proof?”
KING HENRY VIII: “No proof was offered, it came in a dream. You always have reason to be wary. Women are not often as they do seem. Do they not shave to hide that they’re hairy?”
Eating a French fry:
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: “True enough. But worse thing I ever done to a bitch is forget her birthday.”
He muses.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: “Wait, no, hold on. I pushed a woman one time. But she wasn’t my girlfriend. Just some girl I met at a club in Cleveland and--”
Just then, a great clattering of silverware, and Juliet opens up a large plastic trash bag.
Romeo hops onto a table with a gleaming revolver in hand.
ROMEO: “Give us all your cash, wallets in the bag!”
JULIET: “Mmmm, all this lovely cash makes me wanna shag!”
Romeo bends down and the lovers smooch.
Romeo backs away from Juliet and brandishes his gun, pointing it at various diners who all gasp in fright.
Juliet, also with gun in hand, goes to each table and extracts wallets, watches, cell phones, a tablet or two, while Romeo trains his revolver on various diners.
Juliet, with her now bulky trash bag in tow, approaches a frowning Sam L. Jackson.
Jackson whips out a Magnum .44 and points it at Juliet. She tries to point her gun at him, but her limbs go wobbly. Oh, dear!
JULIET: “Pumpkin, I need help.”
Romeo walks over to Juliet and points his gun at Sam L. Jackson’s face. Romeo intermittently points the gun at various diners, who still sit frozen in fear.
As all this is going on, King Henry VIII continues to eat his kale salad.
ROMEO: “It’s okay, Honey Bunny. Just be like that guy in the TV show.”
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: “I think he means be cool, baby, like that dude from Mad Men. Don Draper. Be cool, baby.”
ROMEO: “No, I meant big-haired art icon Bob Ross. The way he explains process is boss. Art is built on light of heavenly code. It calls and guides you down the visual road.”
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: “Damn, Ringo.”
ROMEO: “Romeo.”
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: “Have it your way. Romeo. King Hank over here, now iambic pentameter comes naturally, but you, no offense, you look like some Don Corleone shit off the bus from South Jersey. But you spinning some mad rhymes. I’ve been working on this auto-tune thing, from Ezekiel 25:17...”
Juliet slides down into the booth next to King Henry VIII as Romeo and SLJ continue their discussion.
To King Henry VIII, as he just finishes slurping down his smoothie:
JULIET: “You ever have kale with unbleached bee pollen?”
KING HENRY VIII: “A delight, fit for a heavenly space. But not so wondrous as your lovely face.”
Juliet’s eyes suddenly twinkle.
The diners seize the moment as the four main characters are distracted, and so the eaters en masse rush out of the restaurant.
They’re all pretty full, so it’s more like a quick belchy walk out the front door. Whoops! One grandma falls over, but she’s quickly helped to her feet. The diners all scatter safely outside.
And the curtain, which could probably use a good cleaning by now, falls.
Act 2, Scene 1
We’re inside that iconic Pulp Fiction ‘50s restaurant Jack Rabbit Slims.
Lot of eating in that movie. Was producer Harvey Weinstein taking bribes from restaurant unions? I could use a bribe. Hmm, I feel weak, perhaps a slip and fall is coming on.
Anyway...
Juliet and King Henry VIII seductively dance to Chuck Berry’s “You Never Can Tell.” Frankly, they can’t keep their eyes or hands off each other.
And Romeo can’t help but to glare at them, as he and Sam L. Jackson sit at a nearby booth. Jackson shoves a burger into his mouth.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: “Mmm! Now this is a tasty burger!”
Romeo glares at the dancing Juliet and mutters. His eyes grow wide. He whips out a bottle marked POISON.
ROMEO: “I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger-- ah, fuck it!”
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: “Get that shit away from me, man!”
Sam L. Jackson jumps out of his seat. Romeo swallows the bottle’s contents and slumps over.
The curtain drapes…
Act 2, Scene 2
It’s Maynard’s famous pawn shop, now with expanded Wi-Fi access in the secret rape dungeon. I wonder if Pulp Fiction helped or hurt Maynard’s Yelp reviews?
A true Pulp Fiction-related story here for real buffs of the Maynard’s scene: I, ClownWorld Shakespeare, once sat next to actor Peter Greene at the Formosa Cafe bar in Hollywood. Seemed like an actual nice guy, but had some kind of strange craving for chianti and fava beans. Eh, who’s not without their kinks, huh?
Well, well, well, back to the present: looks like rough-talking, beard-stroking Maynard has talked King Henry Ocho into laying down a fistful of royal crowns for an antique scimitar.
Act 2, Scene 3
Samuel L. Jackson drives a pale blue Tesla with King Henry VIII riding shotgun and Juliet in the back. King Hank caresses his newly acquired weapon with pride.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: “Yo, check this shit out. Tesla, what do the motherfuckers in Germany call Chik-fil-A?”
AUTOMATED VOICE FROM DASHBOARD: In Germany, they call Chik-fil-A Huhn Fabrik.”
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: “You like that, King? Huhn Fabrik. Sounds like some classy shit.”
KING HENRY VIII: “It’s a most splendid and descriptive name. What say you, Juliet, get in the game.”
King Henry, with scimitar in hand, turns around to face Juliet, who leans forward. She scrunches her nose.
The sharp blade dangles over the headrest.
JULIET: “Chicken? Gross. That’s a dirty animal. In fact--”
Thwump! The car drives over a small bump. Juliet lurches forward into the scimitar. Slice! Blood is everywhere.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: “Shit! You killed Marv-- I mean, Juliet!”
A BLOODY CURTAIN FALLS...
ACT 3, Scene 1
Ah, back to the iconic diner from the very first scene of this here three-act play. I think this actual diner is in Hawthorne, CA. Any readers out there to confirm that factoid? Yeah? No? Nothing? Okay. Tough crowd. Anywho...
Sam Jackson and King Henry, wearing shorts and T-shirts plucked right out of Goodwill, enter through the glass doors.
They get several feet into the restaurant’s interior when they both just stop. Frozen.
What the bloody hell?!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: “You gotta be kidding my motherfuckin’ black ass.”
Romeo and Juliet are both sitting in a booth, laughing, eating, breathing! Wait, what? Yep, one more time, in ALL CAPS: ROMEO AND JULIET ARE BOTH SITTING IN A BOOTH, LAUGHING, EATING, BREATHING!
KING HENRY VIII: “This makes no sense, I grow weary and sick. Don’t diss film’s linear structure, you dick!”
Sam Jackson and King Henry disgustedly turn and walk out of the restaurant, as the star-crossed lovers continue eating inside, blissfully unaware of their surroundings.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: “I think I’m gonna walk the earth, maybe hang out with Dean Cain.”
KING HENRY VIII: “Oh, yeah, Dean? We got the same agent. Reminds me. I gotta call her. She’s been trying to book me for a pilot. It’s about these five guy crime-fighters, each with a special skill...”
King Henry’s booming voice trails off as the curtain, dirtier than ever, falls...
THE END
