The Ten Commandments*** of Poetry

***More like suggestions. These rules can't be enforced since the Poetry Police were defunded years ago.

1

Thou shalt write poetry that God enjoys. If He doesn’t, He’ll drive down your Substack numbers by tempting your subscribers with orgies, weed and free Medium subscriptions.

2

Don’t start Hawk Tuah-ing your own horn. Grow some perspective. It’s just a poem. Even if your rhymes are Gucci like a hoochie with a mouth that does more than smoochie, you didn’t save a bunch of orphans from a brush fire.

3

Thou shalt not bust a vein while writing poetry. Relax, take it easy. No need to get all rage-y like an NFL player giving his wife the old what for.

Just lie back, think of the queen (Emily Dickinson or even Allen Ginsberg—ooh, catty!—will suffice) and let that verse flow through you like an iambic speedball, as you float on a pentameter cloud.

4

Pro Tip to all the dudes, dudettes and dude-undeclareds out there: Remember the Sabbath! Go to your holy building, spread unsubstantiated and comical rumors among the flock. Then take copious notes. You’ll sling dank verse thanks to all the unwarranted divorces, crushing bankruptcies and false child endangerment charges.

5

Honor thy Father and Mother by neither rhyming nor using bad puns when you phone them to borrow money: “Hello, Father, I hate to be a bother. My landlord has bid me ‘a due.’ Yes, true. He says the rent is ‘a-due’ and he’ll bid me adieu unless I come up with some money, boo-hoo.”

6

Thou shalt kill. You will kill each and every poem. No mediocre crap.

7

Go for all the adultery you want, pal. Ain’t happening. Sorry. No one #*^%! poets. You wanna write poetry, and you wanna score like you’re a NXIVM high priest? Nope. Pick one.

8

Don’t steal. However, slightly altering someone else’s text with careful use of the reference room-only thesaurus you inadvertently borrowed from the local library and claiming it as “100% from the heart” is A-okay.

9

Don’t bear false witness against other poets. They can be vindictive and have lots of free time for workplace stalking, peering in bedroom windows and creating deep AI fakes of fellow writers sexually assaulting small woodland animals.

10

Covet nothing but the wind, as it will propel both your health and writing career forward. Wind carries you to new and exciting places, which is helpful when an angry mob comes after you for stolen library books and numerous attempted-but-failed adulterous encounters.

Also, invoking wind makes you seem smart and deep: “The wind chimed its gusts throughout the verdant vale, carrying the scent of cheap gas station hot dogs and old man farts.” See? Smart and deep!

THE END

*****

I’ve been granted access to a members-only club called Instagram. I can put in a good word if you want to join.