CLOWNWORLD SHAKESPEARE - The Story Unfolds

Our hero works, drinks and possibly ends the day with a bang.

Picking up from Chapter 2, we now enter Chapter Three or Thrice or III…

INT. FIRST NATIONAL BANK OF BEVERLY HILLS

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S shift at the FIRST NATIONAL BANK OF BEVERLY HILLS comes to a close.

Oh, wait, one last customer. Is that-- what? No! NOOO! Aw, so cool. It’s crusty hatted JED CLAMPETT of The Beverly Hillbillies fame. Well, doggies!

SHAKESPEARE: “Ah, Mr. Clampett, good tidings.”

CLAMPETT: “Mmm. Morning, William. Such a fancy suit today. Seersucker?”

SHAKESPEARE: “No, it’s a actually a cotton/Kevlar blend, from the sun-drenched lands where Ovid once roamed.”

Shakespeare and Clampett continue with the transaction as an attractive 20-ISH FEMALE (yes, I am in fact a biologist) TELLER, VICKY, smiles warmly at William and strokes his arm.

VICKY: “Closing in five. I’m gonna do the final checks.”

CLAMPETT: “I need $500 so I can pay Jethro his reward for winning the virtual reality possum hunting contest fair and square.”

SHAKESPEARE: “Hmm, yes, I lost a fox hunt back a few years ago. But there was a minister’s wife and an illegal musket and some sort of...”

William looks around and lowers his voice.

SHAKESPEARE: “...some sort of device, if you will, for a woman’s carnal, you know, desires.”

Clampett looks confused.

CLAMPETT: “Huh.”

SHAKESPEARE: “But it’s all so complicated. However, to this I attest! I will never spend another night in Charringhouse Prison! No, I swear by the very soul of St. Anselm I won’t!”

He says the last part so loud, the few remaining customers and employees perk up.

YE OLDE CUT TO:

EXT. THE HOLOGRAM RESTAURANT - NIGHT

William glances at a hologram of a sign. Why, it’s Hologram, BH’s newest culinary hotspot!

Ooh, it’s even got an aquarium for a floor! No, it’s not real. But nice puffers though.

Hey, yo, get yer mind outta the gutter. I’m talking about the digital fish, not that real-life long-legged BLONDE at the bar who’s sucking on those ice cubes, oh-so-lucky ice cubes. Going from the tip of her tongue, ending up on her fabulous neck--

Er, sorry...

Anyway, nothing is real here at the Hologram restaurant. Not the glowing minotaurs fighting at the bar, not the raging waterfall in the middle of the dining room.

And no, that really isn’t Nixon mud-wrestling Elvis.

INT. THE HOLOGRAM

Once inside, we see a small, dangling faded cardboard announcement for “The First National Bank of Beverly Hills Spring Meet-Up.”

William strolls past a raging fire (yes, another hologram) and approaches the bar. He exchanges a few pleasantries with the other bank/financial types nearby.

But as the time-traveling Bard turns to order a drink, Vicky approaches him.

With drink in hand, Vicky grabs his arm and whispers in his ear.

YE OLDE CUT TO:

EXT. [Now for extra points, did you read the ABOUT section of this here Substack? If you had, you’d know the name of William’s apartment complex] - LATER THAT NIGHT

INT. WILLIAM’S APARTMENT

Hey, not a bad pad for single guy, and an immigrant to boot! Must’ve been pre-furnished. Anyway, the ottomans and the credenzas can wait.

William and Vicky are slow-dancing to some slick 70s R&B. Both are clutching cans of Bud Light! A few empty cans litter the floor.

VICKY: “Baron. My English Baron. You mind if I call you that? Why don’t we go out for a smoke?”

She staggers toward the apartment front door and sets the beer can down on the couch, the fabric couch. The nearly empty can tips over and drips a little beer onto the seat cushion. Vicky grabs a full Bud Light can sitting on a nearby table.

Shakespeare glares at the wet couch.

SHAKESPEARE: “Out, out damned spot!”

EXT. APARTMENT -

A little uncertain of gravity, Vicky seductively inhales a long, thin cigarette as she and William lean against the metal railing of the second floor balcony. This is one of those LA apartments that looks sorta of like a motel.

Important info: She opens up her beer can, her Bud Light, and sets it down beside her.

William looks wistfully skyward.

SHAKESPEARE: “These Los Angeles spring nights remind me, dare say I, of home. O the gentle caress of the dawn in Stratford--”

He’s losing Vicky with his blather. She’s starting to drift off.

Now if this were a cartoon, you’d see a light bulb pop up over the poet’s head. But it’s a script, so here’s some dialogue:

SHAKESPEARE: “Hey, hey! Watch this.”

Vicky smiles and takes a drag and watches with bated, yes, bated breath as William runs down the apartment stairs to the parking lot.

VICKY: “Where you going, James Bond?”

SHAKESPEARE: “Allowest me leave of this realm.”

He’s in the parking lot, right next to a Camry, directly under Vicky. He gets down on one knee looking up at her.

SHAKESPEARE: “Vicky, Vicky, wherefore art thou, Vicky? Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Though winds and tides may change--”

VICKY: “Winds and tides. Keep going. Keep going, Sherlock Holmes. Bring that on home!”

Vicky hangs over the edge and throws a massive kiss over to William. So massive that she wobbles, gains her footing, wobbles, gains. She narrowly misses knocking over her beer can. Whew.

SHAKESPEARE: “Though winds and tides may change, thou fairest beauty...”

Now this being LA, two hot rods blaring rap music pull into the parking lot. And a CREW OF TOUGH PUNKS get out of both cars and start arguing.

Shakespeare does his best to ignore them.

SHAKESPEARE: “...thou fairest beauty is set in thy stone of nature’s--”

VICKY: “What? Louder!”

Shakespeare starts yelling.

SHAKESPEARE: “...STONE OF NATURE’S BEDAZZLED BOSOM AND--”

Vicky leans over the railing.

VICKY: “Nature’s be dizzy what?”

She leans harder over the railing. Uh-oh! She wobbles, gains her ground, wobbles, gains, wobbles, gains, wobbles, gains... oh, no, she trips over the can of Bud Light. And falls over the railing!

CRASH! She slams into the asphalt of the parking lot so hard a few car alarms go off. The warring Fast and Furious faction barely even notice.

William’s face goes white as he rushes to her. The Bud Light drips down onto Vicky’s now decomposing corpse.

WILLIAM: “Vicky?! Vicky! O wretched heavens, what foul play has been committed?”

The can of Bud Light falls onto the ground, and William kicks it away.

THE CURTAIN FALLS…

[We shall meet again when the crow rises at the break of dawn… or actually, let’s, uh, wait until about 10 or 10:30 instead. CLICK HERE for the fourth installment of The Journey.]